To make a mistake once is human. To make it twice is a coincidence.To make it three times is a pattern. You might want to see a shrink about that.
Am fost la două workshop-uri susţinute de John Parr la Conferinţa AT. John e un psiholog britanic care a locuit ceva vreme în România şi a format cam toată şcoala de analiză tranzacţională de la noi.
Redau câteva dintre ideile pe care mi le-am notat. N-am mai stat să le traduc. Oricum, literatura AT în limba română e plină de inadvertenţe. Recomand cu căldură sursele originale.
Sadness is about past, anger is about present, fear is about future. If people are sad about the future, they’re pbbly not experiencing a real feeling.
When you are sad about a loved one dying, you are experiencing the loss of security, not of a loved one.
The opposite of romantic love is a real relationship with a real person, not with a projected image.
We’re not using our emotions to heal, we’re using our emotions to feel dumb.
The homeostasis for human beings is being healthy and happy. We must be pretty emotionally unintelligent if we don’t quite succeed at being happy.
The appropriate cycle for anger: I tell you what I feel – I tell you what I need – We negotiate – I experience being heard.
If I shout at you, you don’t hear me.
Romanians have a tabu against disturbing one another. But if I don’t disturb you and you don’t disturb me, we don’t have a relationship.
They also have a tabu against expressing anger. That’s why we easily switch from calm to rage, either because we accumulate a lot of unexpressed anger and then we burst or because we carry a lot of archaic anger from childhood.
The less we disturb one another, the more we disturb one another and the environment.
The appropriate cycle for grief: Denial – Anger – Crying / Sobbing / Deep Sadness – Anger – Happiness.
If you do not receive nurturing during grieving, you end up with guilt or depression.
“What are you depressed about? You have everything, pull yourself together, think of your children” are not nurturing, but guilt-inducing statements.
Romanians’ objective is to lose their parents, not to fulfil their lives. Romanian parents expect their children to be the best. The result? Everybody feels fucking miserable.
Shame and guilt are not feelings, they are thoughts combined with either anger and fear or anger and sadness. Shame – “There’s smth wrong with me and nobody needs to know”. Guilt – “I’ve done smth wrong”.
When we feel ashamed, there’s a rapture in the relationship. The thing to do is not to look upon the same, but to provide protection.
In Genesis, when Adam and Eve realize they are naked, God covers them in darkness.
Anxiety is based in shame stimulating a chained reaction of fear. Anxious people need covering and protection.
Workshopurile lui John Parr au avut si asupra mea un impact foarte mare de-a lungul timpului, desi nu am urmat o formare continua in AT. Nu stiu daca ai fost la conferinta la ultimul curs al lui despre roluri si cadre de referinta, mie mi s-a parut foarte interesant cum a definit conceptele de autoritate, responsabilitate si raspundere (authority, responsability and accountability) si cum a subliniat ideea ca autoritatea le implica pe ultimele doua.E foarte vizibil faptul ca absenta raspunderii in peisajul romanesc are, de foarte multe ori, ca raspuns, pasivitate sau furie exagerata.Desi pare truistic,un comportament asertiv, direct, respectuos la adresa celuilalt (i’m ok, u’re ok ca si fiinte umane, desi comportamentele noastre pot fi uneori non-ok) are mult mai multe sanse sa functioneze si sa ne ajute sa obtinem ceea ce vrem. Daca vrei o portie de AT organizational, iti recomand Sarada de la serviciu (in original Working it out at work), de Julie Hay, aparuta la Codecs si tradusa de Alex Demian.
Imi place ideea asta: opusul iubirii romantice este o relatie adevarata, cu o persoana reala si nu cu o imagine proiectata.
In ceea ce priveste asa-zisul tabu al romanilor, de a nu se deranja reciproc: mi se pare ca a luat o idee generala si a aplicat-o restrictiv romanilor; gandeste-te numai la conceptul de political corectness, care inseamna practic acelasi lucru si e adoptat de intreaga lume “civilizata” (sincer, e o prostie, dar asta e alta discutie deja).
Rusinea si vina intr-adevar nu sunt sentimente, dar nici doar ganduri combinate cu furie sau tristete, pentru ca pot fi niste emotii adanc inradacinate in subconstient, adica niste chestii mult mai profunde.
In rest, imi place la nebunie stilul direct al tipului!
Aj lasa un comentariu aici, dar postul e in engleza.
Am si eu o mare rugaminte. Exista o expresie a lui Eric Berne care s-ar traduce cam asa: un om fericit este cel care iubeste si munceste eficient. Daca se poate, va rog sa postati aici EXPRESIA EXACTA IN LIMBA ENGLEZA. Se pare ca cineva a tradus gresit sau a inteles gresit traducerea (nu aici, in alta parte). Va multumesc anticipat, am sa revin.
Expresia e asa:
Confucius say: Man who happy is the same man who work and make love.